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It cannot get better than this. I bought the trilogy right after the movie. Impulsive but totally worth it.
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No matter how much I tell myself it doesn’t matter, it does.
I found some dark eraser dust covered over “Project Work A” on my ‘A’ levels target list.
It’s an omen. Someone up there is trying to warn me so that I can brace myself for a disappointment. One which arised NOT because of the lack of hard work.
:(
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I’m happy even though I know I have been screwing CTs real bad.
Because by failing, I will get to experience again what it’s like to be devastated by results. I’m not a masochist exactly but I know I need this pain as a test to myself. To see if I’m truly resilient and hopefully in overcoming this grief, overcome another which has been plaguing my mind for so long.
At least I tried. And if I do badly, at least I did so with a fight. I will take more patience and time to learn from my mistakes and embrace every single challenge to make myself a better man.
To everyone out there, including cher: you aren’t alone. We’re all in this together, we’ll be fighting together.
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I want to change to be a better person, in areas far wider than academics. I want to lead a meaningful and successful life.
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Is this why everyone has been leaving me?
Because I’m toxic?
I know I’m insecure, I need people around me to know that I am appreciated. I feel threatened sometimes when people compete with me.
And I know that was what chased my clique away. Probably. This toxicity must have been poisoning them for too long given their proximity to me.
But I am bloody not fake. When I say something, I mean it. Except for the times when I say that I’m a great person. I say that because I need an external mechanism to boost my close to non-existent self-esteem.
If I am elitist, it is only because I look down on myself.
And no one saw that because I’ve been concealing this side for me quite expertly, or pretending that it doesn’t really affect me when everyday, I am controlled by my insecurities.
I really hope RJ would be different. That by showing myself that I’ve “made it” into the “top” school in Singapore, it would give me boost to my iota of self-confidence.
It doesn’t help that I look more like 14 than 18. Really. But again, I fooled everyone into thinking that I love being skinny all the time.
No, it didn’t. But through a consummate disguise, I managed to portray the image of confident speaker/debater to those non-discerning eyes; when inside, I was too afraid to even face myself in the mirror.
And for every single examination, I stopped telling myself that I will do well. I used to do that but somehow it stopped. And in the moments where my scores glitter, everyone starts with their stupid flattering which I try to appreciate but grow to hate.
I told myself that I need to be perfect. And the pressure to look so bloody good outside all the time has forced my focus onto the superficial. To look good basically, not physically exactly, but as the model student everyone would envy.
This means good grades, good CCA, good connections and social network, good family life and the list goes on.
And when there was this one time last year which I thought I screwed up by freaking out on an important occasion (which I picked myself up and completed everything actually), I chose to focus only on the part where I screwed up and that further dented a non-existent self-esteem.
Its been taking its toll on me. Like how I basically couldn’t stand being trapped in my body and how the stress seems to be crumbling me even though on the outside, I look perfectly ok.
Broken down quite a few times already but it took me so long to realise that I need to change the way I have lived for the past 18 years of my life.
The holidays was a good time for reflection where I told myself that from the start of Term 2, I need to start focusing on personal excellence, and not compare myself to others. That I need to start loving and accepting all my imperfections and further sharpen my strengths. That I need to start breaking down the walls I have erected and let more positive people stream into my life.
I have always been at the lookout for good friends. But it’s time I truly reflect and ask myself if I’ve been and could be a good friend myself. These lessons should have been learnt a long time ago but back then, I was busy building a powerful image. Too busy to actually consider what is truly important.
A levels is important and it will definitely affect the way my future will turn out to be. But building resilience by loving myself and trying to adapt to and embrace all my different idiosyncrasies is what will truly ride me through the tough times and whatever cards life throws at me. I need to start, seeing that I’ve been delaying something so integral in my life.
I hope somewhere, another person who has been clutching on to his faults for too long can learn to go and embrace himself for who he is. I hope that person reads this and know that he is not alone. That somewhere in a population of “high calibre” individuals lies another soul who is trying to accept himself for who he is.
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Scientific America claims that “stress can cripple your brain”
And this is something I agree rather whole-heartedly with because I’ve been participating in this particular experiment.
They claim that chronic stress can lead to shrinkage of the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain which carries out your highest-levelled cognitive functions. That must explain why I’ve been feeling so dumb for the whole of the past term when I was completely plagued by stress.
Like how I find myself flunking out in debates and lagging academically in class because I allowed myself to be bogged down by the stress of that stupid, stupid physics practical, when in reality, it really wasn’t that bad.
Because even though my anxiety caused the synapses of the neurons of the prefrontal cortex to fire less actively, there were enzymes that eventually consumed those horrible stress hormones which gave me time and mental clarity to complete that practical even under tremendous stress.
If I could do it then (and for A maths for O levels), what’s stopping me from controlling myself, to rid myself of stress now? I’m supposed to be older, wiser and more knowledgeable.
But no.
I think it has got something to do with the absence of choir. I remember all the deep-breathing exercises and our full-hearted concentration onto just singing the song as well as we could.
Not now. Debates has become toxic for me because I allow myself to be terrorised by the act of public speaking when in the past, it exhilarated me.
Enough of being crushed by the guilt of not being good enough for anyone.
I am good enough for me. And that’s enough. That really should be enough.
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There are times where I wonder what is the point of slugging like shit, of coming here, of putting myself through all this crap.
I should stop with all the useless and mindless worrying and just tell myself that there is only one reason why I’m here: to get my pair of wings to places where I want to go.
Where after 18 years of being chained up, I free myself from the chains of society and my current identity.
I will be who I am and this is why everything will be worthwhile.
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The present is being a student at Raffles Institution who is supposed to mug his ass off for CTs. The present is immersing yourself in your current environment and making new friends here.
But how can I when I know that in the future, all of them are going to be successful people while I have the chance of being stuck where my parents are?
Why did I choose to come to a place where…I don’t seem to belong?
Doesn’t anyone know how undeserving I feel to be in such a place. I keep telling myself that it’s just a school but the culture is just so pervasive.
Only two years, with about three quarters left. Make the most out of it. Hang on to the few friends which you have made here. They will make everything worthwhile.
And ditch those people who hang around you because they think they can milk some benefit out of you.
Most importantly, start focusing on preparing for CTs.
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Teenage Dream
I could be cool.
I will be cooler.
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Under stress, ISTJs may fall into “catastrophe mode”, where they see nothing but all of the possibilities of what could go wrong. They will berate themselves for things which they should have done differently, or duties which they failed to perform. They will lose their ability to see things calmly and reasonably, and will depress themselves with their visions of doom.
– Portrait of an ISTJ -
But what’s important is that you enjoy and appreciate every day and that’s just something you can accomplish by just living in the moment. Don’t look behind you.
– Seriously…I’m Kidding - Ellen DeGeneres
